He pled with God to heal me. He explained that the process was slow but promised, if I had enough faith and discipline, my desires would mellow out. His own urges still emerged but controlling them, he swore, got easier with time. I mentioned my old leader's theory about jerking off and Sean agreed quitting might help, so I finally stopped.
Five months later, I relapsed.
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Hives burst out on my chest. I was 16 years old and so repulsed with what I had done that I vomited. It was the first time I had felt too tired to plead for God's amnesty.
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I curled up on my bed and tried to think about nothingness for awhile. I didn't sleep. I cried.
Getting straight felt like fighting a ring of fire with a squirt gun. I knew something had to give. There was one sure way out. I thought about it sometimes, usually during long drives at night. On the way home, I drove my white sedan down a backstreet that T'ed off at a wall. All I'd have to do is coast, I thought.
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It'd be so quick, easy, painless. Just not braking. At the right speed, someone might even think it was an accident. That I was punching keys on my bulky Nokia. That one of my flip-flops, the ones Southern Californian kids wore even in Winter, had got lodged on the pedal. They wouldn't know I had selected Kid A as my exit score.
The only thing that stopped me was the certainty of Hell. He pled with me to fly to his home in Texas so that we could spend a weekend together. At 14, Anna befriended her catfish online.
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