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AIDS and Behavior. Pornography and the transsexualization of the heterosexual male". Studies in Gender and Sexuality. Michael Bailey Characterizing men with sexual interest in transgender women". Psychological Medicine.

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Transgressive Bodies: Representations in Film and Popular Culture. Ashgate Publishing, Ltd. Becoming a Visible Man. Nashville, Tennessee: Vanderbilt University Press. Transsexual and Other Disorders of Gender Identity: A Practical Guide to Management. Sexual Deviance, Second Edition: Theory, Assessment, and Treatment. List of paraphilias. Courtship disorder Human sexual activity Sexology Sexual fetishism. Book Category. Lesbian , gay , bisexual , and transgender LGBT slang.

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Retrieved from " https: Sexual fetishism Sexual attraction Transgender Transgender sexuality. Hidden categories: Namespaces Article Talk. Views Read Edit View history. As men who are attracted to trans women, you already know that one of most intense forms of transphobia that you will experience is an attack against your own gender identity. Cis men are not alone in this — trans men, too, are affected by the backlash that comes from dating trans women.

What you have to understand is that these attacks come from a place of fear. You, me, and our relationships are all very frightening to men whose sense of confidence and power come from reinforcing patriarchy. It forces all men to question their belief in the foundations of their identity and privilege. Remember this: Yours is, or will be, strong, because it is learning how to stand on its own.

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Conventional straight couples have many love stories written about them: You and I have only one: I come across them all the time on OKCupid. But you and I are much more than that. This is insulting to you and me. I am not something you have to pity in order to love.


Our relationship is not defined by the judgments of others, or even by the violence that I — and by extension, you — experience in the world. But real relationships — like ours — are dynamic and transforming, constantly opening up into new dimensions. At our best, I learn from you and you, from me.

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We fight, we hurt each other, we heal, we grow. We leave and come back together and leave once again. Transphobia is greedy. It wants to swallow everyone and everything. Because of this, whenever people talk about me, they usually refer to me in terms of my gender identity. How can we not be anxious and angry, when your families get uncomfortable when they find out who your partner is, when your friends snicker at us behind your back, when we have to be wary of violence when we go out at night?

But just as I am more than a trans woman, you are more than someone who loves trans women. But in the process of making them, you just might find a whole new truth about who you are. Dear boyfriends past and present: He was a John—or generic male client—for thirty years.

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Despite his insecurities, though, he always wanted more from those relationships. He tried to romance girls, but he was continually rejected. I don't know if it's all of them, but the ones that use the girls. Most men aren't willing to give the same that they give to a cisgender woman. While researching this story, I trolled Craigslist for other trans amorous men.

Only one man, Alex, answered my request for an interview. He was very clear: He was 22 at the time, and he's now in his late thirties. While he claims never to have grappled with shame, he did affirm the taboo of his attraction. When I asked Alex how important it is that a girl is able to pass well, he responded, "I'm attracted to femininity, not masculinity. It's that simple. Not to mention that holding trans women to a cisgender standard is unrealistic: The majority of trans girls will probably never pass perfectly.

Clearly, having a boner for hot girls with dicks is far from synonymous with undoing the stigma against loving transgender women. Later in his life, Matt has tried to give transgender women more—he's tried to surpass the stigma surrounding his sexuality by being available emotionally and forging real relationships with trans women.

About ten years ago, in his late thirties, he met a girl in the sex trade named Alicia. She'd come to New York from Brazil in the 80s—around the same time he'd been cruising the west side highway. Is someone going to see me?

I remember her saying to me, 'I'm walking down the street with you, but if you're going to be embarrassed by me, I'm going to be embarrassed by you. Matt smiled, gently shaking his head at the insecure man he'd once been. The GIP runs a variety of programs for the trans community; among other services, Herrera provides support groups.

One group caters to partners of transgender individuals.

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It's a place for anyone trans amorous to go and talk with other trans amorous men or women. There is a lot of stigma attached to it: Their sexuality is called into question. Society is hard on the men who date transgender individuals. There is a lot of stigma attached to it. Nearly all the men I've dated have identified as heterosexual. A handful have been bi, but none gay. Early on in my transition I frequently posted personal ads.

There was a man who used to email me a couple times a week. He was a typical Williamsburg ruffian—tall, tattooed, with an undercut. He was a handsome guy, but I never met him because all he wanted was sex. I started seeing him around my neighborhood. He was always with his girlfriend.

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There they'd be slurping a Thai noodle lunch special, stocking a grocery cart with kombucha, or clouding their coffee with cream in our shared cafe. They held hands at their table. His cock-hungry messages lay close, stored in my phone at the bottom of my purse. I wondered if she knew he was cruising for sex with other people. Did she know he's into trans women? When she finds out, will she ask him if he's gay? I wonder sometimes, when I hear people spew hatred, how many of them have actually been with trans women before. In his mid-thirties, Matt grew tired of denying himself the kind of life he's always wanted.

I have been doing this for so long anyway. This is something I'm gonna do for me. He wanted Alicia to be more than someone he paid for sex, but there were multiple factors working against them both. Like many impoverished trans women, Alicia was addicted to drugs. She called Matt a few times desperate for cash.

She looked horrible; she was thirty, forty, pounds lighter than she was when I'd first met her.