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So, then we are left with the question, how does one date a man in the closet? What force is keeping them living in secret?

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Often it is fear; however, for some it could be as simple as requirements for their job or basic shyness. If the reason, other than fear, does not mesh well with your personal values, then I would advise discussing it with your prospective fella, and moving on from the prospect if there is no room to negotiate. For certain, whatever annoys you about their closet is going to annoy you further down the relationship road, thus it is important to avoid such toxicity if it violates your values. If the reason for his closet is fear, that is an entirely different animal altogether.


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Fear is an unfortunate, even tragic, human emotion, and should not be the main determinate of what you find attractive in a relationship. In a metaphoric sense, we all live in some form of closet, because we all have fears, regardless if our fear is always present to us. I think that you will discover that by finding compassion for a closeted prospect, you are also having compassion for yourself. But, to make the dating relationship work, it is important to get to the root of the problem that is preventing your romantic interest from living a free and open life.

So, talk about it, and listen as he shares. This is the beginning of true intimacy. Roy is a young, hot guy living in the Midwest USA. He was a little late to coming out, and it was a costly move for him, as his career and many of his relationships suffered as he welcomed his identity as a gay man.

Dating Someone In the Closet

Finding freedom in being free of his closet, Roy wanted nothing more than to be coupled as soon as possible. Roy learned his lesson, and was therefore much more open than some people to dating men with checkered or unusual backgrounds. Roy met Seth through an app like OnlyLads.

And the spark of attraction was immediate. They quickly learned that they were compatible in a number ways, especially in the bedroom. Every man you meet will fall somewhere on this spectrum of the coming-out process, and it will be important for you to assess this dimension to ensure his level of development and self-acceptance matches your needs for a partner. You, as an out man, will likely be positioned in Stages 5 or 6. Definitely put on the brakes.

This is one dilemma that requires serious contemplation. In my experience as a therapist and coach, couples of similar outness levels tend to have the best relationship outcomes and prognosis.

How to Meet Closeted Gay Men

In other words, two out men and two closeted men fare better with relationship success than those on opposite ends of the coming-out continuum. Of course, there are always exceptions.

The reason for this lies in the stresses that inevitably become activated when the opposing needs and boundaries of each man conflict. As a personal example, I experienced this very dichotomy in a prior relationship as compared to my present union. I was in a long-term relationship with someone for many years who was out to family and some personal friends but not out at work or with other social relationships.

It contributed to my feeling invisible — like a part of me and our relationship was diminished in his eyes.

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The most jarring and hurtful moment was when we were shopping at a grocery store one day. As we were standing in the line for self-serve checkout, both of us with items in our hands, a man and his wife approached my partner and greeted him happily and with surprise at running into him.

Stunned by my banishment, I stepped up to the closest self-serve checkout machine to begin scanning our grocery items. It was quite an epiphany.


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And it hurt. As a contrast, my current and last!